Forgiveness 101

If you devote your life to seeking revenge, first dig 2 graves.

— Confucius

I had some time to sort through a few old drafts that migrated over from an old domain before its deletion. This post stood out, and here I am to click publish. It sounds like a journal entry of self-reflection, and thoughts on how the messy ending of my previous relationship genuinely made me think things through. Maybe it’s my apology, I’m aware the internet may not be the best place to air out dirty laundry, but you know what? 

Yolo. 


Understanding what truly went wrong in any relationship is often hard. While it’s natural to play the blame game when it takes a turn into splitsville, it’s in your best interest to examine accountability. Acknowledging responsibility will better equip you to move on and have healthier relationships in the future. Take a step back, find the slow-burn catalyst that changed your relationship status. If it was really your fault, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. We’re human. Shit happens, people change. Life doesn’t stop for anyone. Forgive them and forgive yourself.


No one tells you that even though you’ve admitted your betrayal, it won’t be enough. We had to stay in touch because of Jordan; she was our fur-child, caught in between the chaotic separation. I immediately jumped into another relationship after our break-up (it did not work out with this guy either, wtg Dani *insert eyeroll*). It added more fuel to the fire, and I felt all of his rage and animosity. But I ruined everything, and I deserved the hate he threw my way. I am not confrontational. If I sense negative tension, I’m the first one out. It’s not that I’m weak and can’t stand up for myself, it’s the fact of knowing nothing good ever comes from responding to hostility. Even if I didn’t straight-up physically cheat, I still ventured into grey areas. I pulled away and played with his trust. Some may say emotionally cheating is much worse, it’s true. I’m sorry Ry.


We never made peace.

I just wish for that one moment when I was desperate for his reassurance regarding Jordan, that he could push all the resentment he had and talk to me that day. It’s unfortunate that he never got to say goodbye to her.

Word of advice to my future self;


Sort out your faults, but don’t overstate your fault out of guilt or appeasement. Assessing where you stood and how you acted towards the end while not fixating on the idea of blame — a concept that isn’t always the most constructive thing to focus on. It feels a lot better to chalk everything up than to acknowledge that you’re not always perfect. The truth is most often somewhere in the middle, and the concept of blame is not the most helpful thing when looking at the dissolution of a relationship. It’s alright to express or explain the context–but avoid justifying it, or getting lawyerly about it; especially in charged situations, just acknowledge with no explanation wrapped around it. Be empathic and compassionate about the consequences of your fault for the other person. Remind yourself why this is good for you to do! But don’t let the other person repetitively pound you for your mistake.


Admit it directly. Be simple.
When it feels right, disengage.
And then let go of guilt, self-criticism, and inadequacy. Move on to self-compassion, self-care, self-worth, and happiness.

Remember;

The most significant relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself.

Cheers to the following lessons learned;

  1. No matter how long you’ve been together -when you know, you know. You can spend an entire decade with someone and still not be right for them.
  2. You don’t meet people by accident, each person who crosses your path brings life lessons. Everyone you meet makes you look at life a little differently.
  3. Count on your family, your significant other shouldn’t be your constant. Never forget who you are and where you came from.
  4. Don’t give up the things you once loved and sacrifice your independence.
  5. It’s hard to let go, but it’s harder to be unhappy.
  6. If at any point you feel something has changed for the love of god, end it right away. Save yourself.